2.2.2014
So I'm in the market for a new gig. And I'm fielding a lot of different opportunities.Thank God for the Internet. I'm old enough to remember when this process of looking for work involved buying resume paper, and a whole lot of postage stamps. Oddly enough, the fact that I can look for work, without it being labor or cost intensive, speaks to the changes in the American economy that has created the environment that brings me to have to look for work in the first place. The fact that I don't have to buy stamps means there's less need for postal workers. Those laid-off postal workers cannot afford to pay me for my cheapie legal services, but I digress.
I was recently contacted by a recruiter who sent me a "pre-screening questionnaire." As I answered the questions on the form, I couldn't help but notice how ridiculously intrusive they were getting. "They've gotta be government contractors," I'm thinking. "Probably foreigners."
While American companies would love to ask this stuff, most of they know the American legal environment too well to be this gullible. Mind you, these people wanted stacks of documentation to support every answer. For real:
Hoookay,
Is this really what the American job situation has come to?
Although I provide legal services to people, I am not clear on whether these questions are legal. But quite frankly, by the time I finished this answering these inquiries, I didn't want the job anymore.
The Most "questionable" questions, and my real answers:
Are all members of my immediate family US American citizens?
I guess I understand why they would want to, but I don't know why my prospective employers need to know this unless I am applying to work in the White House or some other politically-sensitive position. Perhaps they are considering me for work at the NSA.
The fact is, if I did have family members who were undocumented, I'm not the type to make them vulnerable to prosecution for the benefit of a possible job. I don't know anybody who would do that. While my cooperation on this issue would result one less gift for me to purchase for Christmas for a deported family member, it would make for a possibly contentious Thanksgiving.
While I'll be accused of being a big government liberal for this opinion, this question smells illegal to me under Federal law. Just in case it's not, I wonder how the answer to this question affects my opportunity for employment? If I have a Mexican cousin who illegally crossed the border, does that make me persona non grata?
Have I ever experienced Financial difficulties?
Of course not. I'm actually the son of Sir Richard Branson, founder of of the Virgin Brand. I'm hoping to inherit a majority stake in an international corporation, and I'm just looking for a job in my spare time so that I can pretend I play a part in the American economy, for kicks.
That's why I'm here filling out this stupid and overly intrusive questionnaire. I'm a complete masochist. I don't usually tell people this, but sometimes on Sundays I go to my local police department to volunteer for unnecessary polygraph examinations on the subject of my past transgressions in life. You know, to give the rookies some practice.
You got me, I'm completely wealthy. I'm just communicating with you cause I feel guilty about my wealth and wish to feel the stress of the "working man,"
Do I consider all individuals that I associate with to be of good moral character?
Well no, but I still love her.
And also, One of my boys owes me a few dollars. I'll tell him he's a good guy when he pays me back.
Have I ever had any involvement or association with an individual subject to a foreign power, duress or who advocates the unlawful alteration of the U.S. form of government?
Well I guess I do know some extreme right wing republicans. Other than that, a childhood friend is a member of Al Qaeda. Does that disqualify me?
I guess I can't blame them for asking. It all reminds me of that Johnny Depp line from "The Lone Ranger" (2013).
"Nature seems out of balance."
Your thoughts?
